It's all in the jeans

I recently decided to buy myself some new clothes in a bigger size.  What I had been doing is torturing myself with my old pre-baby clothes by having them hanging in my closet where I was forced to see them everyday knowing they don't fit.  I thought that having these where I could see them would motivate me into fitting into them quicker.  SPOILER ALERT-it didn't.  All it did was make me feel bad about not doing better.  It made me think badly of myself because I couldn't fit into my fat clothes, I now needed bigger fat clothes.
This immediately brought me back to college when I purposely bought pants that didn't fit me so that I would be forced to diet and work out to finally get my prize of nice, new clothes.  Can you believe that?  How masochistic could one person be?  Why I thought this was a good way to go is beyond me, but I never want to do that to myself again. 
It's good to have goals and know what and who you want to me.  It's not good to torture and abuse yourself into becoming that person.  I won't throw out my old clothes, I like those clothes, but I will put them away in a safe, dry place and bring them out when I can use them again.  And if I never fit into them again, that's ok too.  There will come a day when I feel comfortable donating them or whatever, but today doesn't have to be that day.
This brings me to what I really want to talk about.  For me, nothing makes me feel sexier than a pair of nice fitting jeans.  I've worn jeans that were way too tight.  I'm talking about the type of tight where you need to lie down and suck everything in while someone else does the zipper.   Not only was that horribly uncomfortable, but all it did was stuff in my lower half and make it all pour out of my upper half.  I was fooling no one.  I've also worn jeans that were too big.  In my attempt to counter the muffin top, I thought if I wore big jeans then nothing would be smashed to smithereens and I would look and feel better.  I didn't.  I didn't feel sexy or attractive, and I like feeling attractive.  The solution was finding the right fit for my body. 
I do most of my clothes shopping online, therefore I do a lot of returning.  Anyone who shops online knows that you don't really know what you're getting until you get it.  Sometimes what looks super cute on the models, doesn't look so super cute in person.  I recently bought two pairs of jeans online.  I had to guess at the size since it had been a while since I last bought pants and went two sizes up.  When my package arrived, I almost burst into tears as neither pair fit me.  It was like a cruel joke, how could I have possibly gone up more than two sizes?  I returned those pants and came to terms with the facts.  I have gotten fatter than I thought.  I ordered more bigger pants in two different styles in the same size by the same maker.  The first pair fit like a glove, it was almost as though they were cut from my exact measurements and I was instantly so excited.  I loved the way they hugged my curves without being restrictively tight.  All of a sudden, it didn’t matter what size they were, all that mattered was how I felt in them and how happy I was to feel good.  The second pair were a disaster.  They were too tight in the thighs, too big in the hips, and way too small in the waist.  I'm sure there is someone somewhere built for these pants, but they were horrible on me.  Luckily I tried the good ones on first, otherwise I might have sent them both back for a bigger size and that would have been wrong.  You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince, and you have to try on a lot of jeans to find the perfect ones.
My main point is that the size of the jeans doesn't matter as much as how you feel in them.  Don't let that little number on the tag stop you from getting the right size for your body.  Find those perfect jeans and rock the hell out of them.  <3

A little bit of history

Several of my friends have reached out to me to talk about their own feelings and experiences with body image and the word fat.  I've been fat my whole life and getting to today has been quite a journey. 
I should share that my Mom was also fat.  She gained weight while pregnant with me and was never able to lose it.  Growing up, we tried all kinds of diets together and each and every one would fail.  I refuse to say I failed, I like blaming the diet.  :) 
In my first year of high school my butt exploded, I remember crying about how much it stuck out, and I would practice different walks, trying to find one that would make it shake the least.  It was horrible feeling like there was something wrong with me. 
In my early twenties I discovered low-carb eating and lost a lot of weight really quickly.  As the weight was coming off, people around me would tell me how great I looked and to keep going.  I remember looking at myself in the mirror and hating the way I looked, my head looked huge and my body was disproportionate.  Basically I was losing the weight and still hating myself. 
I talked to my Mom about it, and being the wise woman she was, she told me, "Not everyone is meant to be thin.  Some people look and feel better with some weight on them.  Don't feel like you need to change to please anyone but yourself."
Wow.  It was the first time that I was told that it was ok to be fat.  I immediately started to look at myself differently, and I allowed myself to acknowledge that I didn't hate things about myself because I didn't like them, I hated those things because other people told to me to.  Women are supposed to be thin and strive to be thinner, there is no room in the world for fat women, according to some. 
I have learned that I am meant to be fat.  I will never be thin, nor do I want to be.  That being said, I do have a weight that I am most comfortable at, and I assure you I am currently way past that weight.  However, my not being the size I want to be does not mean I have to beat myself up until I get there.  Quite contrary, I am choosing to love myself and all of my imperfections.  I have promised myself that I will work on the things I want to work on FOR ME and no one else.  I will not conform to someone else's idea of beauty.
I want to be the person who tells you that you are more than the size of your dress.  It is ok to want to work on yourself and be the best version of yourself possible, and still love yourself in the now, exactly as you are.  <3

Why am I doing this?

So, it took me a long time to decide to do a blog.  Is that the right phrasing, "do a blog"?  Oh well, I'm going to go with it for now.  I feel like I have a lot to say about a lot of things that aren't necessarily things people talk about.  I'm fat.  Let's just get that out of the way up front.  The title of this thing is "Confessions of a plus size Mommy", but make no mistake about it, I'm fat.  I didn't use that word in my blog title because I didn't want to scare any prospective readers away with the horrible f-word.  Not that f-word, I'm talking about fat.  People tend to clam up and shy away from this word because unfortunately we've given the word a negative connotation and as a result, power.  It has the power to make us feel small (ironic, yes?), it has the power to make people swallow hard, and it has the power to make your good day go bad real quick.  I remember the first time I heard someone use the word in a positive way, it completely caught me off guard.  It was a guy I was dating and I remember clear as day he said, "I love your fat butt".  He meant it as a compliment.  He thought he was saying something nice.  In my mind, he was insulting me, but then I thought hard about it and I realized that it wasn't an insult at all.  Fat is a descriptive word.  I am fat.  I am female.  I am a brunette.  These words all describe me and I shouldn't shun the word fat anymore than I shun the word woman or man or tall or thin or any other word I use to describe people. 
So, if you decide to read more of my blogs, you will see me use the word fat a lot.  I'm not saying it to make myself or anyone else feel bad or unworthy, I simply use the word to get your ears and eyes used to it so that if someone tries to use the word as an insult, you will already be one step ahead.  :)