Being a Mom is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I question my choices and convince myself daily that I'm screwing up one way or another. How can I be so unsure about something so important? I do my best to balance giving my children all that they want with making sure they are good people, who appreciate all they have in life. More than anything else, I want them to be happy, like I was as a child.
When I think back to my own childhood, I'm filled with memories of enjoying life and spending time with my Mom. She was an extraordinary person, and an even better mother. She dedicated her whole life to me. I was her reason for living. We have a big family, she has lots of brothers and sisters who have children of their own, and I love them all dearly. Growing up, I was always surrounded by love. I want that for my boys. I want them to feel the love I always felt. I want them to have their Grandmother.
This time of the year is always hard. As an only child to a single Mom, we always spent Mother's Day together, celebrating having each other, and giving each other gifts. She used to tell me that since I am the reason she is a Mom, Mother's Day was for me too. :)
I'm reminded that my Mom isn't here daily. Every time I want to share something funny my kids do, or want to ask advice about the countless decisions I question, or when I just want to ask her how she did it. I'm slapped in the face with the fact that she is gone, she can't help me, and she can't hold me. I have some really amazing women in my life. I have Aunts who are strong, selfless, and who would do anything for me and my family, but they aren't my Mom. They aren't her and I'm not theirs. As hard as they try to include me in their lives, this day is for them and their children.
I'm trying. I'm trying to do my best and be a good person. I ache for my Mom. There are times the wound in my heart feels fresh, although it's been almost ten years. Today is a bad day. Tomorrow might be a better day. All I can do is all I can do.
